Something popped into my head just now, as I was watching Judge Judy on You Tube. Weird, I know. So I wanted to just get a blog post done about it.

On Saturday, when we were at my mother-in-law’s and hanging out in the garage right before we left, KB had asked Master about the interview that He had on Thursday. So Master was explaining it. Master also explained that He had another company that was possibly interested in setting up and interview for Master.

As soon as that was out of His mouth His mother said something along the lines of, “Well maybe you could get both jobs!”

I looked at her a little weird. I mean, our goal right now is just to get Master employed. So we’re taking this a step at a time. She sees this look on my face and she says, “Well if He works two jobs, and you keep working your one job you guys could buy a house in no time!”

I just blinked, and that was about it.

Okay yes, Master and I talk about owning a condo, or a townhouse, or whatever at some point in the future. But with how finances have been, we’ve been mainly focused on keeping our rent current. Which we are. Above all things, rent is paid in full and on time. We do not want a repeat performance of when we had back rent due and owing. Fuck that.

Also, we are focusing on keeping our bills paid. Again, they are. The phone and internet bill (which is through one company) is one month behind. But that will be rectified once Master’s unemployment comes through. And then we will be also setting aside “emergency funds” from the back dated payments of His unemployment. Other than that, all of our bills are current. Which, needless to say is a hell of a lot better than where we were the last time we were skimming by on one paycheck.

So all and all I feel that Master and I are doing well. I’m not thinking about buying a home right now. Plus, to be honest with our credit we’d have to save up a large portion of money as a down payment.

So, what bothers me about her statement?

A few things.

One is that it always seems that no matter how well we’re doing, it isn’t good enough in her eyes. We should have a house, and two fully paid off cars right now, is the way she comes across when she talks about such things. Well we don’t.

We have a two bedroom apartment and one fully paid off car that is in good repair. I’m not trying to live up to her standards. And I’m also not trying to keep up with her.

Sometimes when she talks that way I want to look at her and go, “Well you wouldn’t even have your condo, fully paid off, and your $50,000 car, again fully paid off, if it wasn’t for your last ex husband cheating on you and deciding he wanted to leave you for this other woman and then feeling guilty about it. Why? Because you got those things as a pay off in the divorce so you wouldn’t go after your legal right to half of what his property and business was worth. Which in all honesty was significantly more.”

That’s the bitch in me coming out.

Second, I am also not a materialistic person.

Would I like to own a home? Yes, I would. I would love to. But that is not my main concern at the moment. It will happen eventually. I like my few creature comforts, and that’s about it. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head.

There are other things on my “to do” list, that come way before saving up for a home.

You know, like paying off a loan that we have. (One more year!). Then there is getting a new computer so we have one that we don’t have to worry about it dumping out on us.  And probably getting a second car.

And last but not least, I am not the type of person that believes in living to work. I work to live. Simple as that. And why the hell does Master have to work two jobs but I’m okay just working my 9 – 5? What the hell kind of bullshit is that? If we both want to own a home and the only way to do that is to generate as much money as we possibly can, and we are both physically and mentally capable of working… why shouldn’t we both be working two jobs?

I would much rather have to save up a little bit longer, and each of us work one job, than one or both of us working two jobs and going, “Hey who are you?” when we happen to pass by one another in the hallway.

Life is short. I want to spend as much time with my Husband as I can. I don’t want to look back on my life in say 30 years and go, “Wow. Yes I have nice things, but look at all that time that is gone that we could have had together.” Fuck that.

Does that mean I don’t sometimes tease myself by looking at condos and town homes? No. I totally do. It’s nice to dream every now and again. But that doesn’t mean I need it right now. It’s a long term goal. One that will eventually be achieved.

One day, hopefully, my mother-in-law will learn that her goals and our goals are two totally different things.

Today has been a good news, bad news, good news kind of day.

BC picked me up and took me to work. Work was decent today. Although my left hip has been bothering me all day. I’m not sure why, but it is.

Shortly before my lunch break, Master called me. I was so happy to hear from Him, because I had just been thinking about Him. And I told Him that as soon as I picked up the phone. He started laughing. I found that odd at first and then He said, “Guess what I got?”

So I said, “A million dollars?”

“No. What did we do on Monday?”

And I was all, “No way!”

Yep. That’s right. The decision from His unemployment hearing came today! Holy shit that was fast. Their previous decision has been reversed! He’s now approved to receive unemployment benefits! Whoo-hoo! So now we just wait for the payments to go through. The paperwork says that could take anywhere from a couple of days to two weeks. So who knows. But the important thing is that He won the appeal! I am so proud of Him!

I couldn’t stop smiling once I was off the phone with Him.

Then while I was on my lunch break, He called me again. This time it wasn’t such good news. KB (my mother-in-law’s fiance), had a heart attack a little over a month ago. Today he was going into to have more stints put in place. Well that didn’t happen. Apparently they discovered that the stints that were already in place had already closed. So they decided not to put more stints in, and instead have scheduled a quadruple bypass surgery for next week.

Both of my grandfathers have had quadruple bypass surgeries, so I know what to expect. But still. It sucks. I’m sure he’ll be fine, but it’s going to be a long road to recovery.

Then, later in the afternoon Master calls me once more, again with good news! He has been trying to get in at a particular job since before He left His last one. (So about three months.) He had applied at this place because a good neighbor of ours works there and had suggested it to Him. So He had applied, and until now interviews had been placed on hold because of other things going on with the company. Well today, the HR lead called Him and asked Master to come in for an interview at 9:30am! Whoo-hoo!

Our neighbor has already put in a good word for him. And our neighbor has been working there for over 15 years, so that I’m sure is going to help a lot. The pay would be great, and it’s very close to home, which will make juggling the car that much easier. So here is hoping!

I am so happy for my Husband. And I wish Him lots of luck tomorrow at the interview.

So like I said, it’s been a good, bad, good news kind of day.

Last night after Master and I had our fight, we didn’t talk to each other for a while. Eventually however we did start to talk, and I was very tired and ended up getting slap happy. We cuddled in bed last night and joked around a bit.

But I know the emotional wounds are still there.

The fight we had mainly revolved around finances, and how resentment towards the situation is building. Now yes, I know we both agreed that Him quitting His job was the right decision. It was not a healthy situation to be in. And I know this. And He knows this.

Hell He was the one living it, being there sometimes up to 19 hours in one day. I hated Him working there. And I know damn well that He hated working there too. But we both thought He’d have found another job by now. I’m still glad He’s not at that hell hole. It’s just frustrating, as I know it is more frustrating for Him.

The only call backs He is getting is pyramid schemes or things that want you to work for commission only. And in this economy, commission only isn’t going to cut it. Hell some weeks it may not even pay for your gas to get to and from work.

As I said last night I was looking for a fight. I don’t know, nor do I really care if other people get that way. But I come from past relationships where fighting was a constant thing. And honestly Master and I don’t fight that often. So when we do, like last night, the gloves come off and because we have been together for over 6 1/2 years… well let’s just say that when you know someone that well, you know just how to hurt them. And when you love someone, and you do know how to hurt them, it hurts even more because that person knows that you love them.

I said things. Things that I truly wish I had not said. Stress regarding finances is getting to me. It sucks, and I know this. The postponement of the hearing for unemployment didn’t help. I was hoping, as I know He was, that it would be done and over with now. None of this is an excuse mind you, and I know that.

This is the dangerous thing about loving someone so deeply. You hurt them, and you know that you did. And you regret it. But you also know that now, the emotional wounds are there, and the guard is up. And you aren’t quite sure how to ease that tension, or how to make things right. I apologized to Him after we had calmed down. But I know that isn’t enough.

Yes, we were joking around and cuddling last night. But that doesn’t mean that the words don’t still sting. And by that I mean the ones I was slinging. Not Him. He took the higher road.

He went for a walk after I was done to calm Himself, and then came back, told me exactly what He thought very directly and to the point. That was that. He then asked me to leave Him alone because He didn’t want to bite my head off. All of this after I was a complete and utter bitch.

Then comes today.

I go to work. I had maybe four hours of sleep. Around 9:30am I start feeling dizzy and go into the bathroom. I get sick. My throat hurts. I feel like I’m sweating but I’m not actually sweating and my skin feels cool to the touch.

Who do I turn to?

My mate. The one person in this world who loves me with every fiber in His being.

I call Him and He runs me through what it could be. Up to and including PMS. Which He said (and He’s right) I usually go through towards the end of the month. The minute He said that, and He didn’t say it with any venom in His voice, I thought about last night and I felt like a complete ass. I am one of those women who believe that PMS is not a license to be a bitch.

I asked Him to come pick me up. I knew that we couldn’t really afford for me to take the day off unpaid, but again as He said when I do get sick, because it happens so rarely, it hits me hard and it hits me fast. And I need to rest.

He picked me up without batting an eyelash. I thanked Him when He got there. He simply said, “Well how else are you going to get home?” Again no venom or anger. Just simple truth.

And when I was talking to my coworker I told her I was going to call my Hubby to see if He thought I should go home. She told me “Fuck that, just tell him you’re coming home cause you don’t feel well.”

I told her that’s not how we work. We talk about things.

Again I felt like a bitch. If I had just sat down and told Him what I’ve been feeling instead of looking for a fight as an excuse to get it out, things last night would have gone differently.We talk, is what I told her. And we do.

But last night I didn’t. Last night I lashed out.

And when He was telling me, after His walk, what He was thinking He told me to grow up. That stung, but I needed to hear it. If I had been acting like I was grown, instead of like a teen punk who wanted to fight for the sake of fighting, I would have had the sense of mind to go, “Babe, we need to talk. I’m stressing out and I need Your words and I need Your comfort.”

He has sacrificed a lot for us. Because He loves me. I know He has. And I hate that He has had to.

I feel guilty because we are in this situation, financially. I feel like I should be doing better for us, money wise. I feel like I’m not making enough money. I’ve made a lot less, believe me. But when we’re scraping by I feel that sting of, “Kitten, you should do more.” And I think know that played into last night. I feel I’m not doing enough. And so again, that lash out. Because it’s easier to lash out at everything else instead of analyzing what is going on in your head. I did this after the fight. I should have done it before and told Him all of this.

He doesn’t make me feel that way. He never tells me, “You’re not doing enough!” He always says, “It’s not just on your shoulders babe.” or “You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do.”

I have nothing of value to sell besides the car. And we need the car. We have the computer, but we need that as well. So many places want you to submit your applications online these days.

But off of that subject.

When Master got me home today He immediatley started telling me what to do. “Take your temperature. Okay that’s fine. Take a tylenol in case you get a fever, and take a benadryl in case it’s sinuses. Eat something small in case it’s your blood sugar. Now rest, and drink lots of fluids.”

He only ever has my best interests in mind.

Gods I love Him so much. And I hurt Him. Why did I do that? Why did those words have to be spat out? Why couldn’t I have come to Him in a respectful and loving manner?

I am so sorry. So, so sorry.

I know He still loves me. I asked Him that last night. And He said yes. He has proven it time and time again. He has always had my back.

“Oh you have a job that stresses you out to the point that you want to break down and cry, but you found a different job that is much less stressful, but you have to take over a $2 an hour paycut? Do it!”

He let me do that.

And I repay Him for all of His sacrifices and all of His support with ungratefulness.

It’s not that we can’t get past this. I know that we can. We have gotten past so much worse. But for now the wounds are fresh and my guilt is deep.

I love You my mate. And for all that I have said, and all I have done, I am truly sorry. And I will show You that I am, and that I can be better.